Gaiwa's rant thread

[Jembru]

I figured we could use a place to rant...

Not having the best start to the week. Firstly, JP has been on a downer for a few days because we realised I have to let him use the study. I loved that room, so he feels really guilty, but it's the logical choice. He was going to use the desk we put in the bedroom, once his new monitor arrives, but I realised there are some flaws in that plan.. I often work weekends, so will be sleeping all day, meaning he can't access his PC. Then the upstairs neighbours go to bed around 10pm and Mr.Neighbour is sensitive to sound, meaning JP couldn't skype or play video games at night.. Besides some speaking practice, I'm much quieter in my PC requirements... So it really makes more sense that I get kicked from my lovely study and move all my books into the bedroom.. ah, I'll get used to it...

So that put a downer on the last few days of my holiday.. then I come to work to find that the other night shift girl.. the one who had been on the sick for 9 weeks, came back as she said she would, but didn't even make it to the end of her shift before going home sick again.. so I've been put on the rota at the weekend (without being asked), and I'm back to having no proper time off because I have to cover every freaking shift that bank staff won't pick up...

... I actually hope I end up sick this time. I've been too reliable and now I'm being taken for granted. I bet a few missed shifts will drill home the point that I'm not a freaking machine.

If I'd wanted my life to be nothing but antisocial work hours, I'd have stayed in Japan...

[Jade]

Damn, that sucks Why can't anyone else pick up some shifts? I mean, they have to realise they're overworking you if they continue like that. I hope the other shift girl gets better soon so you're not taking on as much D:

[Jembru]

All but one of my colleagues refuse to work night shift. One woman even burst into tears when my boss tried the 'if no one volunteers, I'll just share the shifts between all of you'.. everyone went above him and threatened to leave if they're made to work. The other guy works between 2 services so can only cover one or two nights per week.. then there is a bank worker who picks up shifts, but again, can only do certain nights. I could refuse, and my boss has told me that, but one of the ladies I support has a health condition that could potentially kill her if left unattended. Another resident has frequent falls and has had some nasty head injuries. The alternative if I refuse to do it is that they have 2 sleep-in staff instead of one sleep and one waking night. It's unlikely that anything would happen, but it could, and I'd never forgive myself. It's a very difficult situation.. trying to balance what's right for me with what's right for these people who's lives have become so important to me over the years... :s

My boss is currently interviewing for 2 new night staff.. there will then be one full timer (me) and then 2 part time staff. I've been told I can take control of the night staff rota when they start! Hopefully that will improve my quality of life!

Meh, I shouldn't complain... At least I get to do a bit study at work.. so long as I get my duties done of course. So it has it's advantages.

[Bokusenou]

Jembru That sounds awful! Hopefully things get better when the two new night staff members start.

Seeing the thread title, I might as well rant some...
For a while it's been snow, snow, snow for me. At least it's finally starting to melt so at least I don't need to shovel any more, but the Japanese groups I go to cancelled their meetings because of all the snow, and I didn't have much time to do Anki for a while, with all the shoveling, and power outages (and before that, a bunch of work came in & I also didn't have much extra time), so now I'm battling my Anki backlog slowly, and hope my Japanese hasn't degraded too much.

[Princess]

I'm in a rant due to my friend being so angry/upset over me leaving for Japan. She of all people knows how much this means to me and she knows not to take it personally that I'm leaving her but she's still SO angry and upset by it. GRRR

[Jembru]

Mar 4, 2015 20:54:15 GMT Princess said:

I'm in a rant due to my friend being so angry/upset over me leaving for Japan. She of all people knows how much this means to me and she knows not to take it personally that I'm leaving her but she's still SO angry and upset by it. GRRR

I lost 2 friends over moving to Japan. One had always been a bit resentful of me for.. who knows what.. so while it was sad that she stopped speaking to me, it was no surprise really. Still hurtful though, especially as she didn't just fall out with me, but really, really hated me with a deep passion that started to poison other friends against me.. only years later did I find out the full extent of the stories she'd been telling about me. Not nice at all from someone you once cared for. 

The other was my best friend. She got her revenge on me for moving to Japan by taking my boyfriend. He'd been seeing her in secret but still used me for a free 6 week stay in Japan, finally dumping me on the platform of the Narita express in Shinjuku station (I took up smoking less than 5 minutes after that). Of course, not surprisingly I went off the rails then and 2 months later left Japan for ever.. the dream I'd worked so hard for.. the home I'd made.. the life I'd made... 

All because of a horrible man and a spiteful 'frenemy'. People suck. There will always be people who can't see past their jealousy and will do all they can to p*ss on your dreams.. Just don't do what I did and let them win, because the regret never goes away completely... 

Ach, just read this back.. I'm not trying to say these things will happen to you and your friends. Just reading about your issue got some ghosts of the past rattling their chains. Haha.. Baggage? Me? What baggage? ^^

[MidoriAbby]

Ok normally I try to be a super positive person but like, life has been life lately.
First of all my editing software crashes every time I open it so trying to edit the videos I promised to update more on YT (a couple months ago even, I made that video promising more activity a couple months ago..) is virtually impossible. I'm close to a solution but it's frustrating.

Also my significant other's parents are being really emotionally manipulative about a grade in one of his classes he's genuinely struggling with despite his efforts and using me as a manipulation tool, basically canceling our plans last minute, cutting off his phone service for days on end without warning, etc. I've been in a panic cycle for a couple weeks because I'm never sure if he's okay.

Other than that I'm ok but yeah I just saw the rant thread and felt like talking about things on impulse.

Princess I'm sorry about your friend, I haven't had something quite that extreme but I had a few friends from an old school completely cut me out when I decided to move to a new school for my own well being and goals. It sucks. I would say "those aren't true friends" but I know that doesn't change that y'all were probably close and it hurts a lot and you probably still value them as a person. Hang in there and I hope something works out!

also Jembru men like that are terrible, and that's against Girl Code in so many ways, dragging a guy into a conflict. Shame on your ex friend and I'm really sorry that happened.

[Jembru]

Aww, thanks Abby.. Yeah, I'm still pretty hurt over the whole deal, but at least I'm able to study Japanese these days. I couldn't even think about Japan, never mind study the language, in the first few years after the event.

Today's rant...

I don't think I can go to Japan

So, I've had the money to go for a while but have been too scared to spend it because it's a comfort to have savings in such volatile times. Well, a Japanese girl I recently met has offered to host JP and I in Japan. So this kinda fixes the cost issue, because we only need to pay for our flights.

So I've started shopping around for flights and it's probably not a huge surprise that the cheapest flight is.. Malaysia Airlines..

One lost, one shot down... not the best track record so far.

Then the more I thought about it, the more I thought, I could only trust an airline like BA or JAL. Their prices are at least double Malaysia airways or Lufthansa. I have flown so many times.. 6 times to and from Japan, more times than I can remember to count to Germany, and a few trips down to London. Yet I think I have developed a fear of flying. I actually started to feel sick just thinking about it in fact. I want to see Japan again, but not badly enough to get onto a plane.

It really looks like I might have to turn down my friend's generous offer. I've created my own little 'mini Japan' around myself here in Newcastle. The places I go and the people I hang with all help to create the illusion of being back there. I'm content with that I guess. JP though... I feel so guilty because he would really like to visit Japan at some point.

My anxiety is definitely getting worse.

[LittleGaijin]

Oh man, that makes me really sad to hear Jemma. I completely understand though. I have a fear of flying too, and last year flying from Japan to the Philippines by myself for the first time was absolutely terrifying. Not to mention that a few days after I landed, a Malaysian plane went down and it was all over the news up until the day I had to fly back home to Japan. Now THAT was the worst flight I'd ever been on. Tension was high for everyone, the AC was broken, and there was a very pissed off guy sitting directly behind me yelling at all the flight attendants for waking him up from naps. 

What has always helped me is flying with friends or family, or just staying awake 24 hours before take off so that I pass out during the whole flight. I'm going to start paying for flight wifi so that I can get my mind off things when I can't sleep. My friends always message me and calm me down when I'm waiting in the airports, so I really want to be able to talk with them during the flights too. Plus, I can watch movies or work on something. I'm in a dumb situation where I live in Japan, my parents live in the Philippines/US depending on the time of the year, my families live in two different countries and my boyfriend lives in Hawaii. I can't escape the plane thing as much as I want to. Hopefully they invent teleportation soon!


But if you know that none of this can help, don't think about it too much. It's important to feel safe, and if the thought of flying makes you stress out and feel uncomfortable- maybe it's best to just postpone your traveling and hope that maybe someday in the future you might feel a little better about it. Don't think that this is gonna be forever! You never know, someday you might get over the anxiety and come back! I know for me, I need half a year or so after flying in order to feel comfortable with getting on another plane again. 

[Jembru]

Oh.. that is a pretty good tip about making myself tired before I fly. Maybe I could even take a sleeping pill or two.

The night I met JP, long before we became a couple, he told me he wanted to go to Japan one day and in my mind I imagined us flying there together.. JP in the window seat so he could see Mt.Fuji as we approached. I actually thought he was too young for me, so don't know why I was imagining such a silly thing. That image always stayed with me though. So maybe the excitement of finally flying with him will take away some of my anxiety.

JP isn't taking no for an answer. He was a bit annoyed with me when I told him I didn't want to go any more. I probably will delay though. JP starts his new job in a few weeks time. It's in a different department of the same company but apparently it's not a nice department to work in. They're really strict about punctuality and how long you;re away from your desk. JP's a good worker anyway, but he's used to a more relaxed and casual work environment. I'm worried he'll hate this new job, so I've told him we should wait until he's settled before we book anything. Just in case he hates it so much he has to quit, and we have to use our Japan fund to pay our rent..

Of course, I hope that wouldn't happen, but it's a good excuse to delay booking.

Oh, but of course, when I do book, I'll be sure to let you know when it would be. It would be nice to meet you in person and prove that I'm not such a winy and insufferable person offline! ^^ We're currently looking at either this Autumn or Next spring (because I don't want to go when it's too hot!!).. so next Spring if I get my own way.

[LittleGaijin]

Jembru oh that made me so happy to read that! When it comes to traveling and finding a way to live with fear of flying, I always have a tip or two. Sleeping pills are a good idea too. You're lucky though! You'll have JP with you to help you get around the airport if you're already super sleepy. (Not to mention, wake up after landing. I was woken up by flight attendants... everyone was already gone. It was awkward.)

I've only ever once flown with a friend when I was a kid, but that was the best flight I've ever been on! It went by so fast because we played games together and talked each other's ear off. (-‿-) Me and my boyfriend are really excited to travel together and we might take a short overnight trip when he comes to see me in a few months. So I can definitely relate to your excitement to fly and travel with your boyfriend. 

I agree that JP should wait for things to settle down at his new job before booking tickets though, that was a smart call. If he ends up not liking the job, you might need that money for rent. Good excuse to postpone buying tickets too. Take this time to remind yourself of all the reasons why you want to come back here! Make a list! Before I came here last year, I was so scared (for different reasons though) so I made myself a list to outweigh all my doubts. I glanced at the list whenever I was feeling super nervous or sad or even hyperventilating. It did me a lot of good! (And you better add "visit Anna!" on that list! I am so excited to see you guys in person! Then I'll have to return the favor and take a trip to Newcastle!)

[Jembru]

Of course I'll meet up with you! We have quite a list of people to meet; my former students who stayed in touch.. members of the conversation group that had to go back to Japan.. and hopefully Gaiwa members! We're already talking about having a karaoke party/reunion, so if you wouldn't be shy about meeting our Japanese friends, I'd love you (and Princess too if she can) to join us for that!

JP has been asked to stay on at his current position until the end of April now (he still gets his redundancy payment at the end of March though.. woohoo), so I now have even longer to wait until I know if he's comfortable in his new job. On the bright side, our current Japan funds now stand at £2,200 so it is no longer just a pipe dream.

I'm actually worried about my own job now. Last weekend, one of our residents fell down the stairs and is in a critical state. Even if he pulls through, he is paralysed, and as his room was upstairs, he can't ever come home. We're devastated as a staff team, and just starting to come to terms with the way someone can be fine one minute and their whole life turned upside-down the next.

My company doesn't, as a rule, cater for elderly people. We're more about mental health and learning disabilities in people who are otherwise fit and healthy (we DO have people with mobility difficulties, including one in the home I work in, but places are very limited because most of hour houses have bedrooms upstairs). As people get older and their needs change, we often can't support them anymore and they have to be moved onto specialist services. I hate it. I want these people to grow old and die in the home they love.. surrounded by other residents and staff who are also their friends.

Ach, I'm ranting now because I'm feeling emotional.. good job it's the rant thread. ^^ So long story short, I've come to realise that the 2 remaining residents who require a night shift, aren't getting any younger. It's not impossible that they too, will move on soon, whether to a specialist service, or to a place beyond the rainbows.. So maybe my services won't be required forever. I'll always be offered work within my company, but day shift pays less, and yet, ironically, is more demanding (I get that night shift is seen as anti-social hours, but when you're a natural night person, it's the daylight hours that are anti-social.. it will royally suck).

I'm lucky to have a job that allows me to study Japanese while at work. I see that for the gift it is now. I'm going to try to cram in more than ever, because I bet I'd never have gotten to where I am in my studies, if I had a regular 9 till 5 that required my full undivided attention. This may not be a 'forever job', so lets make the very best of it while it lasts...

So... we'll probably book our tickets for Japan In July or August, when I have a better idea of where we both stand work-wise. That does mean that if we decide on September/October, it will be pretty short notice though :/ 

[LittleGaijin]

I really look forward to it! I'm definitely down for doing karaoke with you and your Japanese friends! I might be a bit of a buzz kill though, I don't drink and I'll leave before people start getting rowdy. But I'd love to drop in and say hello! It would be cool to organize some kind of Gaiwa meet-up too! I'm sure Princess would be down. We need more Japan-based Gaiwa members!

Please keep me updated about the trip and JP's job! I'm sorry to hear about the resident who fell down the stairs at your workplace... It must be really hard to come to terms with a person being fine one moment, and then struggling the next. I'm also sad to hear that your company has to move those growing older to other homes... No one wants to grow old and die in an unfamiliar place surrounded by people they barely know. I can understand why it has to be this way, but it's still saddening when you think about the residents leaving a place that they might've grown fond or familiar with over the years. My Irish grandma was put into a nursing home and was there for several long years before moving to another one. We could tell that she wasn't as happy in the new one, and that she missed all the people she knew from the previous home but we had to move her because she had an accident and my aunties wanted her to live closer to them. She died shortly after moving.

It's really cool that your workplace lets you study Japanese at work though! Jeez, even at the Japanese university I lived and worked at- I had to hide all my Japanese books and study stuff. They didn't want to know that their employees could speak Japanese because then they would get scared that we would try speaking to our students in Japanese or attempt to explain something to them in Japanese. Ugh.

Looking forward for July/August! I should be around.

But this is a really good thread to just get your thoughts out there, and I'm glad you made it! It's also nice to get an opportunity to help friends and other members through their problems. I don't think anyone would've posted their own off-topic thread to say any of the things that are mentioned in this thread, even though they should totally feel free to do that! I'm sure I'll be lurking here a lot.

[Princess]

Ohh yay Gaiwa meet up! Sounds so fun and I'm totally down! I'm kinda with you on the drinking Anna, I usually have a glass of wine (Fuki, Japanese plum wine LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD) but not much more.

I actually just got back from an anime convention and I decided to get drunk with my friends but....it got bad fast. Obviously I'm a lightweight, so the first cocktail ripped away my sense of time and I ended having two more within 45 mins. An hour later I was vomiting uncontrollably, and proceeded to do that for the next 24 hours....It was SO horrible and I felt SO bad because I was such a party pooper to my husband who took care of me instead of being at the convention. He didn't complain once, he's such a sweet heart

I'm all better now but needless to say I can't even look at the Fuki in my fridge without cringing haha.

I'm so sorry Jembru about the resident! I worked in the food department at an old folks home...I didn't stay there long for many reasons, but one of the sad reasons was that there was death often because they did cater to all kinds of residents. Every worker in the whole place took it really hard so there was always a sad air going around

Also the con is the reason for my absence online, I was sewing like mad for so long xO I'll probably post pictures in the art thread when I get around to it but I super enjoyed my cosplay! The countdown is crazy now, like 41 days until I leave for Japan! I'll be busy this month too, getting rid of everything in our apartment o.o

[Bokusenou]

Jembru いいなぁ. Right now going back to Japan again is out of my reach. Even going to Japantown, California would be pretty far.

Well, since this is the rant thread, my wisdom tooth started coming down lately, which means it hurts when I talk a lot or eat... I've been trying to keep away from Gaiwa so my bad mood doesn't affect things...