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Post by chocopie on Jan 26, 2014 12:38:04 GMT
Bokusenou & JembruThanks for welcoming me! I've had a chance to read through all the previous forum threads for this translation now, I'm really looking forward to seeing how the story turns out I noticed there was a discussion about switching between past and present tense in Japanese literature, the use of the present tense during narration of past events is known as the historical present. It's used a lot more in Japanese than it is in English though so usually it makes more sense/feels more natural to convert it to the past tense when translating. 闘蛇の世話役である闘蛇衆が、母の獣《けもの》ノ医術《いじゅつ》の腕《うで》をそれほどに高く買っているのだと思うと、エリンは誇《ほこ》らしさで胸がはちきれそうになる。 The medicinal skills of the touda-folk, the ones entrusted with the care of the touda, were that highly valued, thought Erin, her heart bursting with pride. The 母の獣ノ医術 part has been left out here!
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Post by Bokusenou on Jan 26, 2014 19:25:31 GMT
chocopieAh, thanks! I thought I put it in there, but I guess I missed that part. Fixed. Also, wow! I didn't know it was used in English too, although it makes sense now that I think about it. You must know a lot about languages!
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Post by Jembru on Jan 27, 2014 4:05:53 GMT
Ach, looks like no one else is going to take it are they? Okay, okay, I'll do the next one..
闘蛇は、けっして人に馴れない The touda aren't tame at all.
The next one is easy too, so I'll leave that one for now.
NEXT LINE: ……馴らしてはいけない生き物なのよ。
I didn't realise you'd been deleting the lines we'd already done. Took me a while to find that line. lol.
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Post by MidoriAbby on Jan 27, 2014 13:45:26 GMT
I guess I'll give this a try too, looks fun! I've been meaning to for a while but it slipped my mind
馴らしてはいけない生き物なのよ
They're creatures you shouldn't try to domesticate.
NEXT LINE: わたしたち闘蛇衆《とうだしゅう》や戦士たちが触《ふ》れるときは、この音無し笛《ぶえ》で闘蛇の感覚を痺《しび》れさせているだけ。
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Post by chocopie on Jan 27, 2014 19:14:01 GMT
わたしたち闘蛇衆《とうだしゅう》や戦士たちが触《ふ》れるときは、この音無し笛《ぶえ》で闘蛇の感覚を痺《しび》れさせているだけ。 When we Touda-folk and soldiers touch the touda, we merely paralyse their senses with these silent whistles.
I shifted touda to the first part of the sentence because it sounds more natural in English.
Next line: 母は、掌《てのひら》の上で、小さな笛を転《ころ》がしてみせた。
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Post by Jembru on Jan 27, 2014 20:11:30 GMT
Glad you joined us again Midori. 母は、掌の上で、小さな笛を転がしてみせた。 Her mum revealed the small whistle, rolling it against her palm.Woah, this next line is a beauty. If no one takes it by the time I'm next online, I'm jumping in.. just so you know NEXT LINE: 母が笛を唇《くちびる》にあてる仕草《しぐさ》は、もちろん見慣《みな》れていたし、教練に出る戦士たちがいっせいに笛を口にあてて息を吹《ふ》きこみ、まるで丸太のように硬直《こうちょく》した闘蛇の背に素早《すばや》く鞍《くら》をかけ、よじのぼって、頭部に生《は》えている二本の長い角をつかんでまたがるのも見たことはあった。
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Post by Jembru on Jan 28, 2014 6:15:19 GMT
Ah good, no one has taken it.
Well, first impressions is that the Japanese itself isn't too bad at all. It's going to be finding a natural-sounding word order in English that'll be a pain. Lets see though. Hopefully this will cheer me up...
母が笛を唇にあてる仕草は、もちろん見慣れていたし、教練に出る戦士たちがいっせいに笛を口にあてて息を吹きこみ、まるで丸太のように硬直した闘蛇の背に素早く鞍をかけ、よじのぼって、頭部に生えている二本の長い角をつかんでまたがるのも見たことはあった。 Erin was of course, used to seeing her mum with the whistle held between her lips, and she'd seen the worriers heading out for their drills, all sounding the whistles they held in their mouths in unison, hastily placing the saddles upon the touda's sturdy, log-like backs, then clambering on, grasping the two long horns that grew from the touda's heads.
Actually, that wasn't as bad as the one I did the other day that took me almost an hour. Haha. I reworded some bits, like 'blowing breath into the whistles' seemed a bit awkward in English. I was going to leave out 'gesturing' too, but I decided to put it in, as we do sometimes word it like that in English, especially when we're implying someone idly going through the motions of something.. like musicians tapping out chords on a table. I dunno what everyone else thinks?
...Sorry, I forgot to add the next line: いったん背にまたがって角をつかんでしまえば、闘蛇は乗せた戦士の意のままに動くようになる。角をつかんで顎《あご》をあげさせていれば、水に潜《もぐ》ってしまうこともないという。
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Post by chocopie on Jan 28, 2014 9:49:59 GMT
I was going to leave out 'gesturing' too, but I decided to put it in, as we do sometimes word it like that in English, especially when we're implying someone idly going through the motions of something.. like musicians tapping out chords on a table. I dunno what everyone else thinks? I think 'motion' or 'action' may be a better word than 'gesture'. Gesture implies trying to impart some kind of meaning with some movement which I don't think is the case here. いったん背にまたがって角をつかんでしまえば、闘蛇は乗せた戦士の意のままに動くようになる。角をつかんで顎《あご》をあげさせていれば、水に潜《もぐ》ってしまうこともないという。 Once a soldier is saddled up and grasping the horns, a touda would move according that soldier's will. If the horns were used to pull a touda's chin up, it wouldn't dive underwater either. I added 'soldier' into the start of the first sentence because otherwise touda comes before soldier in the sentence and it reads a bit oddly - like the touda is the one who did the saddling and grasping of horns. Next line: 闘蛇《とうだ》には鋭《するど》い爪《つめ》が生えた前脚《まえあし》と後脚《あとあし》があり、地上に這《は》いあがって駆《か》けだせば、その速さは、どんな駿馬《しゅんめ》にも勝《まさ》る。
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Post by Jembru on Jan 28, 2014 10:03:22 GMT
Hmm, I didn't think gesture quite meant that in this case. I was trying to convey the idea that it was some kind of mannerism, rather than a deliberate act as such, and I thought gesture would work (like in the example I gave of someone miming chords on a table.. I would say 'gesture' in English for this). I didn't think gesture always had the meaning of a deliberate act, which is why I chose it. I can't think of another word that would have that nuance. Maybe I should have just left that part out, like I had originally. I'll take it out...
You reminded me actually. I think your previous line could maybe be 'these whistles' rather than 'this whistle', just because all the riders have one. Your wording maybe sounds a bit like they all share the same whistle.
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Post by chocopie on Jan 28, 2014 10:28:58 GMT
Yeah, 'these whistles' would make more sense - I shall change it!
Also, perhaps we could have a post where we collect together all our translated sentences? It might make translating easier if we can read through the previous story to get into the 'flow' of things.
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Post by Jembru on Jan 28, 2014 10:50:28 GMT
That's not a bad idea. I wonder if there's a way we can edit the first post in each page, to contain the translations so far and the text waiting to be translated. It's bothersome having to go back to find the next line each time.
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Post by chocopie on Jan 29, 2014 10:02:47 GMT
It's been a day so I'm going to jump in again and do the next sentence!
闘蛇《とうだ》には鋭《するど》い爪《つめ》が生えた前脚《まえあし》と後脚《あとあし》があり、地上に這《は》いあがって駆《か》けだせば、その速さは、どんな駿馬《しゅんめ》にも勝《まさ》る。 Touda have sharp claws on both their front and back legs, and if they crawl up onto land and run, their speed will beat even the fastest horses.
Next line: 地上を駆ける姿は蛇《へび》というよりは竜《りゅう》に見えたが、彼らの棲《す》み処《か》は水中であり、脚をぴったりと腹につけてうねりながら泳ぐ姿は、まさしく蛇だった。
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Post by Jembru on Jan 29, 2014 10:38:48 GMT
chocopie: don't feel you have to do just one in 24 hrs. This isn't a hard and fast rule. It's just something I prefer to do, because Rin and I are often online at around the same time and then there's a serious danger of us taking 5 or 6 lines, one after another in one night (not that we're addicts or anything ^^). I might have jumped in sooner, but I had to go into work for a meeting this morning and only just got back... 地上を駆ける姿は蛇というよりは竜に見えたが、彼らの棲み処は水中であり、脚をぴったりと腹につけてうねりながら泳ぐ姿は、まさしく蛇だった。 They appear more like a dragon than a snake when they run across land, but their lairs are underwater and the way they swim with their legs tucked tightly against their bellies, was unmistakably serpentine.NEXT LINE: 硬《かた》い鱗《うろこ》には矢も刺《さ》さらず、戦士を乗せて敵陣《てきじん》へ躍《おど》りこんでは人馬もろとも噛《か》み裂《さ》いて殺す、凶暴《きょうぼう》な蛇……。 Woah, we're almost done already!
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Post by chocopie on Jan 30, 2014 10:00:11 GMT
硬い鱗には矢も刺さらず、戦士を乗せて敵陣へ躍りこんでは人馬もろとも噛み裂いて殺す、凶暴な蛇……。
They are ferocious serpents - with tough scales impervious to arrows, carrying the soldiers they burst into enemy camps tearing apart and killing man and horse alike.
"carrying the soldiers they burst into enemy camps" I don't really like this bit but I can't think of another way to phrase it at the moment.
Next line: 闘蛇衆は、野生《やせい》の闘蛇が産卵《さんらん》する季節になると、巣《す》の中に産みつけられたたくさんの卵のなかから、闘蛇に見つからぬよう密《ひそ》かに、ひとつ、ふたつと、卵を採《と》ってくる。
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Post by chocopie on Feb 1, 2014 11:35:46 GMT
I want to know what happens next!
闘蛇衆は、野生の闘蛇が産卵する季節になると、巣の中に産みつけられたたくさんの卵のなかから、闘蛇に見つからぬよう密かに、ひとつ、ふたつと、卵を採ってくる。 When it is egg-laying season for the wild touda, the Touda-folk sneak quietly into the touda nest and take a couple of the many eggs laid there.
I had to rearrange the sentence because it was quite long and to avoid the repetition of 'egg'.
Next line: その卵を孵化《ふか》させたのち、幼体《ようたい》であるうちに、その耳の部分をおおっている蓋《ふた》のような鱗《うろこ》の一部を切りとってしまう。
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